Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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I forgot how to panic. Help
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The Compass
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
A decision was made here.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.