Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

i was baptized in a car wash

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem