Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me :
All Day At Night
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃