Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
No. YOU-buprofen.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night