Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

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The Chosen Phew

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out