thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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dark side of the loom
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.