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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction