Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Not even remotely sorry.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.