Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.