Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
True?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
*mops up wine with cat*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.