“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit