“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.