Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You Might Also Like
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Breaking news:
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency