Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
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it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*