Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs