Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Be vigilant
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult