Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.