Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can鈥檛 live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don鈥檛 need to take a photo of it.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it鈥檚 confusing I鈥檓 giving her props for creativity.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
i just started buying stock from the market鈥 have chicken, beef, and vegetable鈥 hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 馃槀馃槀 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 馃槤
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there鈥檚 someone for everybody.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels