Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

Buying a well is money well spent.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.