Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Are we there yet?…
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti