Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it