Thanks to a fan for this one.
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower