Thanks to a fan for this one.
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*