Thanks to a fan for this one!
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.