Thanks to a fan for this one!
You Might Also Like
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Frog purse.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…