Thanks to a fan for this one.
You Might Also Like
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.