Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Spring cleaning checklist…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.