Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run