Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
mathematically impossible
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Natural selection at its finest
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people