Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!