Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.