Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I wanna be friends with this person

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Go girl power!

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.