Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?