Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
never compromise your values
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.