Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands