Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
You Might Also Like
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Money is the root of all wealth
Skip intro
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.