Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one