Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.