Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?