Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.