Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
what does he know…
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure