Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.