Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.