I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.