Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.