Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.