Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?