Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
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the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
We have a winner.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend