Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it