Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
You Might Also Like
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.