Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.