Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

A choir of Spring onions

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Good lord

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you