Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there