Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
We will use anything but the metric system
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Life is a suicide mission.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2