Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.