Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
You Might Also Like
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.