Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.