Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.