Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron