Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”