Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up