Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify as an antique shop.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

you know what ruined my childhood? children