Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

The Others (2001)

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

become ungovernable

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.