Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
You Might Also Like
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?