Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I need a headline like this
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?