Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Current mood: Potato
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped