Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or