Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
You Might Also Like
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.