Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

…żyje?

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.