Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

can’t bark with your mouth full

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Crying is a sign of leakness.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Selfie

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that