Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

#gardening

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad