Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
This checks out
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box