Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.