Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!