Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
sin harder.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.