Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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No regrets in 2018
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
stop
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy