Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.