Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate