Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

So we got a goldfish…

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.