Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.