Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.