Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
The Assassin.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities