“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Mmmm canned fish.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
So we got a goldfish…
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?